Skip to content

The Hardest Word to Say… AKA Not Another Love Essay

May 6, 2012

Love.  There are a thousand blogs, essays, poems, stories, songs, etc. all trying to define the word.  This is not one of those posts.  If you want to find someone who you agree with on the definition of love, Google is your friend…

In short, I don’t know what love is.  I love my family and friends, I care about them, and I think about them whenever I have time to, but I’m just as well off being by myself (and not seeing them).

I thought I was in love with many different females that I was attracted to.  Maybe I was in love with the thought of being in love.  Maybe I mistook love for lust.

I don’t know.  I just know that my definition of love is different from yours.  I may love you, I may like you.  I may care, I might not.  I might acknowledge you, I might not.

So it’s difficult for me to say “I love you”, when I don’t even know what love is.  I know that there is an initial feeling that both men and women start with, kinda like the “new car smell”.  It’s once that “new car smell” starts to fade is where the true test begins. 

Can you always compromise with someone while retaining your happiness? 

Can you always communicate without having to declare war on one another?

Can you always stand to see the sight of each other?

If you answered “No” to all of those questions, CONGRATULATIONS!  You’re a human being.  Now go be human.

Truth is, I don’t always see eye-to-eye with everyone.  At some point, an arguement will result in the 6th World War.  Also, as much as I would like to look at you all day, sooner or later, someone better looking is going to walk past.  It’s just how it is.

I don’t like to leave (anything) in a worse shape than I found them.  It’s not in my nature.  Of course, life passes, comfortability settles in, and everything goes out the window.  Just as long as I don’t leave whatever I had in a bad condition, I’m okay.

Which is why I find it difficult to say “I love you.”  I don’t know what it is, and I refuse to lie to anyone else about it.  I’m an “actions speak louder than words” kind of person, and if I’m not showing it, then I have no clue what to tell you.

Of course, I’m still learning how to maneuver my way through life.  I’m a perfectionist, and if everything isn’t perfect, I get frustrated (or restless) and move on.  Anyone who’s ever had anyone (that they had feelings for) disappear (without warning) on them knows that that is not always a good trait to possess.  That’s what I fear the most: Telling someone I love them, then disappearing without a trace.

That scares me, being that negative mark on someone’s record.  It worries the hell out of me, and it doesn’t get any better during a long period of time during the single life.  I know this feeling will pass, and will be a major recurrence throughout my life.  It doesn’t make me cringe any less when the words “I love you” are involved in anything.

I guess the best way to know that there was love involved is to ask yourself one question: What would you do if you just found out they were no longer around?

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: