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I’m No Longer Afraid

January 6, 2012

I rarely stand out.  For those who know me and see me, and for those who don’t me and see me, it may be hard to imagine.  At 6’3″, young and “handsome” (older women’s words, not mine) the last thought anyone would have is that I don’t stand out.  Then again, irony knows no discrimination.

I guess it’s because I don’t have that extroverted personality that a lot of my peers have. I keep to myself, and I live in my thoughts.  I rarely speak, unless spoken to, which frustrates my grandmother to no end.  Of course, during the rare time I do stand out, it’s mostly in a negative way.  I’ve always been the one to rebel against anything that is forced upon me.  It’s been that way since birth (literally).

Problem is, I have a hard time expressing how I feel.  There are never enough words or enough reason to convey how I feel or why I feel the way I do.  Which was why I found it diffcult (and somewhat irritating) when I tried to explain myself to someone on Twitter, after I posted this Tweet.

Thing is, the later part of 2011, from September to December, taught me something.  Take a look into the mirror.  The person looking directly at you is the one that you need to focus on.  Everything else is just background.

It took me a while to realize that, because I’ve always acted in fear: fear of the unknown.  Not knowing the next step is a scary thought for me. The problem is, when I make decisions, I’m often thinking of someone else: my family, my friends, potential girlfriends, random strangers.  Most times, I don’t think about the person that should matter most: myself.

I’ve always acted upon how others perceive me. I don’t want to come off as an asshole, despite my aloof personality. Another fear: the fear of perception.

It is this fear that keeps me in the limbo that I am currently experiencing. I expect so much of myself that when I disappoint someone, I’m genuinely hurt. I can’t do it anymore. I need peace.

In order to obtain independence and proceed to the next chapter in my life, I must get the weights of other people’s perceptions from around me. It is this weight that has made me stagnant, as every step I’ve taken forward has gotten me two step backwards. It is this reason that Cain became angry enough to kill Abel.

While I won’t attempt murder, I can certainly try to worry less about worrying about people’s perceptions of me. After all, we all have our perceptions of how others operate, including myself. As long as I’m comfortable with the person that I see in the mirror, I could care less about anyone else’s perception of me.

In short…

FUCK YOUR PERCEPTION!

I’m glad I was able to get that out. Yet, the road to independence is going to be a long one…

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2 Comments
  1. I’m glad I was there to see it live and on Twitter 🙂

    As a person who also fears life and it’s perceptions, or rather feared it, I commend you, as I’ve told you, for being open with it. It is hard, especially when others see so much in you that you can’t see or don’t know how to accurately convey until you realize again that’s someone else’s perception; it may be true, but we have to know it for ourselves.

    I found that separating myself from those I’m closest to for awhile has given me so much clarity and peace. Two weeks ago I was stressed and angry and bitter and didn’t know why. I let go of the reigns a little bit and now, like you, I’m unafraid.

    I’m all verklempt and proud.

    Much love and soul.
    And for f*ck’s sake, don’t let it stop here.

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