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It’s Not Me…It’s You…

November 27, 2011

The Wonderful World of The Human Spider, Internet, Issue No. 1: The Need For Gratification

There are times when Twitter can piss me off.  At least, the people on it.

As mentioned previously, I follow (and usually only follow back) people that are interesting, musically inclined, rappers/singers/producers that I am a fan of and models/porn stars/strippers.  I like to look at a nice face and/or big breasts/big butts.  I don’t judge you.

Not pictured: Judgement

In spite of all the shenanigans that take place in this small little place (shut up), I still take time out to try and make sense of life and see through all aspects with an open mind.  And take place in some of the shenanigans.  I’m still not judging you.

Then there’s the type of stuff where I’m forced to shake my head at.  It’s not only on Twitter, but on FaceBook too.  You’ve seen it: an extremely attractive woman will post something about being lonely, then every man, woman, and creature with a thing for this person will start with the consolations.

Even Mini-Spidey gets caught in the act sometimes…

“I don’t know men are ignoring you.  You’re really hot!”

“a girl as pretty as u shud not b ignored”

“U DA BADDEST CHICK OUT HERE MA COME ROLL WITH ME”

And so on…

The thing that bugs me is that a lot of those guys that dish out the compliments tend to get overlooked.  Don’t believe me?  Guess how many compliments by guys get ReTweeted on Twitter or Liked on FaceBook?  Let a woman give out praises, suddenly this chick is officially the greatest person ever.

Her award was rescinded after it was found out that she owed child support

It’s not far from the truth: said model is very beautiful.  Any human being needs reassurance every now and again.  It’s when the posts and the ReTweets become constant where it becomes a problem.

Why is this being beat to my head?  Why do you keep doing this?  What do you want, woman?!

Ladies, if you are still having trouble wondering why you are single, maybe you should take a look at how you present yourself.  Are you posting pics of yourself half-naked (at the very least)?  Have you already posted naked pictures?  Do you post anything lewd, crass or purposeful sexual suggestions (that are in no way humorous)?  Do you talk about your expectations damn near every day?  Are those expectations high?

AND YOU’RE WONDERING WHY YOU’RE LONELY?!

I have no idea…

I understand that you’re not gonna hit at your first at bat.  A fellow acquaintance (for lack of a better term) and Eagles fan pointed out that women simply can not receive sex anytime they want.  [Fourth-Wall Break: Hi, Miss Keisha.  *waves*]

The problem is, it’s not me…it’s you…  You must be able to maintain self, before considering another person into your circle.  However you have to improve yourself, start on it.  Don’t worry about the perverts salivating at breasts and thighs; it’s gonna be 10 minutes before they start to go on about their business elsewhere.

Which reminds me, when does Common’s new album drop?

I realize that all human beings want is that special person that will stick by them through the ups-and-downs, the heartache and the the triumph.  In that search, we should never settle for anything less.  When you rely on looks, half-naked pics and crass statements is when everything starts to goes sour.

In all honesty, if a dude catches either a whiff of booty or breasts, you have now been grouped into the “Smash & Dash” category.  [Editor’s Note: Other terms synonymous with “Smash & Dash” include (but are not limited to): “Beat It & Leave It”and “Hit It & Quit It”.]  This means that in all likelihood, they’d probably break you off on a lonely day and leave in the morning with no trace of existence.  Sad, but true.

Of course it’s all jokes depending on who you talk to, but other times it leaves a fellow scratching his head.  Sure you may get that one dude, but he’s either been overlooked, or he’s hiding a flaw that will threaten your relationship and/or your livelihood.  [Editor’s Note: I’m really liking that word “livelihood”.]

If you do get a dude, but it doesn’t work out, hindsight becomes 20/20.  He and his friends will reason that he should have known what he was getting into based on your posts on a social networking site.

So before you take that half-naked picture in the mirror to get more friends/followers/whatever your socialites are known as, I want you to stare at yourself in said mirror.  That means get the phone out of the mirror.

It obscures the rest of your face

Stop and think: if I cover myself a little more, will I still get male [insert term for social network here]?  If I post some extremely intelligent stuff, will the men respect me?  What can I do to seem like an attractive woman, and not a freak or a gold-digger?

Answering these questions is only the first step.  You have to try to make yourself available.  Smile, open body language, all that jazz.  No two snowflakes are alike, so if a man does one thing similar that an ex did, don’t pass judgement until he has shown all signs.

Ladies, you’re beautiful.  I’m sure you’re also intelligent and funny.  Show it, at least on social networking sites.  If one person doesn’t share your sense of humor, that’s okay.  Different strokes for different folks.  Just go out and live life, and your knight in shining armor will come.

Otherwise, I am going to start judging you…

And it’s not going to be pretty…

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