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Survey Says…

August 5, 2011

Would you date a porn star?  Answer in the comments section for your answer and opinion on the matter. BEFORE YOU DO THAT, I want you to read the next paragraph…

Before you get up in arms, and start preaching about ethics, sexually transmitted diseases and all the other negatives concerning porn stars, I need you to keep this in mind: It’s only ONE date.  No one’s asking for anyone’s hand in marriage.  Now feel free to not read the rest of this post (which you SHOULD), and rant your heart out in my comments section (which you SHOULDN’T, at least not without reading the post).  As long as you keep in mind that it’s only ONE date.

Truth is, we’ve all subconsciously wanted to have our way with a porn star.  The women are good looking (depending on your cup of tea), and we lust for them, just like we lust for celebrities, and/or everyday people. Like the girl who works the front counter at McDonald’s, that you ask to get a drink from just so you can see her bend down.   You can admit it.  No one’s here to judge you.

So it would make sense that you, an average Joe, would love to what Mr. Marcus, Justin Slayer, Lexington Steele, etc. do on a daily basis.  Which is why men would want to jump at the chance of getting a date with a porn star.  What it’s like, or what it may be like, is for another time and another article.

Truth is, porn stars, like celebrities, politicians and athletes are just like us.  Only they’re known worldwide, and a porn star’s sex life is more…well known… However, they’re still human beings, like you, me, and the McDonald’s cashier.  Still thinking about her butt?   Like I said, I’m not judging…

Which is why I decided to jump on a survey, involving a favorite of mine.  Her name shall not be revealed, unless she chooses to reveal it.  The survey was for a chance to win a date with her, and she recommended I be very truthful.   So here it goes…

Truth is, I couldn’t perform the survey with a straight face.  It starts off simple enough; what’s your e-mail address (for mailing stuff I’m not sure I want), and where are you located (City/State/Country).  Then it dives right through the pressing questions.

I get asked how much money would I spend.   This is so the sponsoring this date can get a good idea on the budget. Prices ranges are as followed: $0-$250, $250-$500, $500-$1000, $1000+.  I know of no man that has ever spent over $1000 on a date.  In my opinion, such people live in Linwood (New Jersey), Beverly Hills or Malibu (California) or some place in the United States where there’s a security guard up front waiting for the hood rats to try and sneak into the neighborhood.

I’ve known of men that have spent no money on a date but the women in question were (likely) smuts.  Either that, or they had a real good time on their date.  Granted I don’t have the mindset of our young Mr. Riley Freeman, but I think Huey hits the nail on the head about who and what you’re paying for…

I’m all for paying companies for their service.  All I’m going to say is that anything over $100 better includes some good-good.  That’s all I’m saying.  At least until the next question comes up.

They ask that if you won this date with her, would you pay all your expenses ($2000+) or half of them ($500-$1000) for her to come to you.  The other answers have you paying for yourself to come to a nearby city ($100-$500) or just paying for the date experience ($300-$1000).  Either that, or you can throw a Hail Mary by hoping she can pay for travel, and you show up for fun ($0-$100).

For every Hail Mary that works…

There are plenty more that don’t work.  So hoping she shows up is out of the question (after all, females are notorious for flaking).  Nor do I have the funds to get her to the city that do not involve the Greyhound bus. The only other option seems to be kidnapping her smuggling her across state lines, but they give you time for that (from 5 years to Life), should you get caught…

See, officers, what had happened was, I won a date with a porn star and I was trying to make sure she got here safe…

So if you have the funds to get her into your place of residence, CONGRATULATIONS!  More power to you.

Well, at least the next question seems to be under my control, as I get to choose my expectations.  I’ll give you three guesses as to what’s wrong with that last sentence.  Choose how I expect the date to go down?!  From the way you’ve been passively holding your hand out, I expect the good-good (as previously mentioned). Anything short of that is a failure on my part.

So I can…”expect” to have sex (this is the first choice, literally listed as “Sex”), a quality date with no sex (which we’ve already covered), a quick date with MORE sex (so sex is promised?  Help a negro out, like the United Negro College Fund), and a full day with her doing whatever I want.  I’m not one to believe women to be slaves, but I’m down for the last choice.  The story HAS to come with a happy ending though. 

The next question is a full-sentence (and ONE sentence ONLY!): describe your ideal sexual experience with the porn star. In ONE SENTENCE?!  I could do a blog post about the things I would to her, another porn star of my liking, a model that I follow on Twitter, Beyoncé or that chick at McDonald’s whose butt you keep staring at. Again, I’m not judging…

So if I had a chance to get the good-good from our good friend, who apparently gets off on watching men fight one another for a simple get-together…

Vagina: A prize that men have fought for since the beginning of time.

I get the choice to MAYBE have sex with her with or without a camera.  Look, I ain’t had too many sexual experiences (more specifically, I’ve never put my penis into a female’s vagina), and I have hang-ups about myself. Plus, this blog is supposed to be safe for work, minus Cubana Lust’s wonderful work of her glutes.  So a video of me and our lovely porn star…it ain’t going down like that.  We do this, we do it off-camera.

The choices after are as follows: watch her have sex with a female or watch her make a porn scene.  WATCH HER?! HAVE SEX?!  Don’t I have a computer and a modem?  Why would I want to watch her have sex with a female after a day of fun with another female?  I could have had the same result without paying an amount of money that requires me to sell my soul to the devil.

However, if said Devil looks like this, then she could gladly take my soul.

Watching her make a scene doesn’t sound too bad; after all, who wouldn’t love to see the workings of a porn scene?  As long as I don’t have to suffer this atrocity (for a link safer for work, here’s the recap), we should be okay.  However, I want that good-good, so watching someone else accomplish my goal is out of the question.  The next question is an open-ended question, or at least that’s what it looks like.  You get to choose how winners should win the contest.  Keep in mind, that you’re taking a survey to win a date with a porn star… and they want to know your opinion of how they should select the winner.  Mind = Blown.   Maybe we should hold a Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament, since you asked.

It worked wonders for The Ginyu Force.

The survey ends with six questions, similar to the kind of questions that you take near the end of those quizzes that a job application has you fill out.  The ones where the answers are “Always”, “Almost Always”, “I Don’t Know”, “Sometimes”, “Almost Never” and “Never”?  Yeah, those kinds.   Only difference is in the answers, and questions… The answers are “Yes, plenty of times”, “Yes, I do so often”, “Yes, but not enough”, “No, I have my reasons”, “No, I can’t afford it”, and “Never, but now I wish I could”.  While these answers may seem reasonable to you, they don’t cover a whole lot of ground, and some of the questions will make you yearn for a simple “Yes” or “No”.  The questions are as followed: “Have you ever dated a porn star?”, “Have you ever thought about having sex with (insert porn star here)?”, “Do you watch a lot of her movies?”, “Do you brought any of [her] movies?”, “Have you seen her on webcam?”, and “Have you called her on HOTLINE?”

Now, I don’t know too many people that have dated a porn star…

Not pictured: Someone I know.

Well, at least personally. Nor have I, myself, dated a porn star.  Which is why I asked the question at the top of the post. I know Murs (pictured up top) had some issues with one Miss Roxy Reynolds that he, like any sane artist would do, turned into a successful project.
It’s the second question that’s a piece of work.   Look back at the answers, then look at the question: “Have you ever thought about having sex with (insert porn star here)?”
If your answer is “Yes, plenty of times”, please seek immediate help, before you hurt yourself and somebody else.  If it’s “Yes, I do so often”, check to see why that is. If it’s “Yes, but not enough”, you may need to seek help as well.  Thankfully, I’m here to tell you that if you don’t think about it a lot, chances are, you’re perfectly normal.
For those that said, “No, I can’t afford it”, MAN UP! The government’s losing money, and niggas are BROKE nowadays.  If you said “Never, but now I wish I could”, I will believe you were a little kid turning into a grown-ass man.  If you were a grown-ass man, I was proud of you, until now.
For those that have said, “No, I have my reasons”, CONGRATULATIONS!  You’re perfectly normal, and you realize something is wrong with the people who invented this survey.  Pat yourself on the back for your intellect.  You deserve it…
Then you have these two questions: “Do you watch a lot of her movies?” and “Do you bought [her] movies?”. I swear that the latter question is spelled exactly how it’s quoted, but I digress.  These are the questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer.  Seriously, none of the answers given make any sense to those two questions.  That’s just asking for too much, at that point.
Then we have webcam and HOTLINE (why is this in all caps?).  I’m not a huge talker in uncomfortable situations, so I tend to be silent (or I write about it).  So anything involving a hotline is out of the question.  As far as webcam…listen, if there’s a screen of some kind separating us, and we’re in two different locations, I could watch one of your movies.
So even though porn stars are people, they also seem to be well-known escorts (among other things).   Either way, porn, like most things that are sold, is a business.  You gotta get your money either way.  I fully understand that.
So would I date a porn star?  Yep.  It’s somewhere on my list of things to do, although I can’t see much after “lose virginity” and “graduate school”.  Either way, I can’t say that I didn’t have a blast taking this survey, that’s for damn sure.
– From the World Domination Device, with love. The Human Spider, Hip-Hop Head Since 1988
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